"oh, burn me that cd."
"I like them."
"Oh, so do I."
"If you like them you will like..."
"yeah, cool."
"You should check out my BLOG."
"Oh, ok, give me the site."
I write the shit down.
'Well, if you read it you might think I'm crazy."
"I mean, what is it about?"
"Debauchery, at its finest."
"Oh, really?"
"Yes, I am warning you, my friend. Be fore warned (what ever that means.)
"I think I will be ok."
"Well, fine. I'm just warning you. Its kinda raunchy. I talk about SEX, DRUGS, DRINKING, and believe it or not, SMOKING."
"It's ok...I can deal with that."
"Tell me what you think."
"I will."
"I dont want to see you the next day and you think that I'm coo-coo."
I swirl my finger around my temple indicating the "crazy" sign.
"Don't worry...I doubt that I will think you are crazy or offending."
"Good luck, there, buddy. I wish you the best."
"Thanks."
Friday, October 5, 2007
4/5 time
yeah its quite
possible
that I may
drink too much
I know what
bottles
are twist offs
and which ones
need a beer opener.
i have mastered
the cigarette
lighter opener
for beer
People are wowed
when I do this
but its something
that I learned
when I was ninteen.
so it's nothing to me
when I use the lighter
it pops like chamapgne
or sparkling wine
People think
I'm good with my hands
or that maybe
I'm the one that invented
this way of opening things.
but I learned from the pros
and they are all dead
or possibly
drunk right now
possible
that I may
drink too much
I know what
bottles
are twist offs
and which ones
need a beer opener.
i have mastered
the cigarette
lighter opener
for beer
People are wowed
when I do this
but its something
that I learned
when I was ninteen.
so it's nothing to me
when I use the lighter
it pops like chamapgne
or sparkling wine
People think
I'm good with my hands
or that maybe
I'm the one that invented
this way of opening things.
but I learned from the pros
and they are all dead
or possibly
drunk right now
imagine the pointless signs
In the backyard
the trash cans are still
but the "Beware of The Dog"
sign rattles in the wind.
I need to replace that sign.
"Beware of the Cat"
or
"Beware of the moody
drunk."
would suit this household
better.
Or possibly,
a "Leave Me The Fuck Alone,"
sign would be even better.
Or maybe even a "Fuck Off"
sign might fit the picture.
Or maybe a "Can I borrow 5 bucks?"
sign
or "Yo, you gotta an extra cigarette?"
sign
or "Do you wanna clean my kitchen?"
sign,
maybe.
All the signs will rattle against the fence
in the wind and get hit by falling acorns
and nobody will notice
the signs as they walk down the alley
with thier heads down
So its pointless,
like all my requests
through the signs
that no one will see
and that will never
exist.
the trash cans are still
but the "Beware of The Dog"
sign rattles in the wind.
I need to replace that sign.
"Beware of the Cat"
or
"Beware of the moody
drunk."
would suit this household
better.
Or possibly,
a "Leave Me The Fuck Alone,"
sign would be even better.
Or maybe even a "Fuck Off"
sign might fit the picture.
Or maybe a "Can I borrow 5 bucks?"
sign
or "Yo, you gotta an extra cigarette?"
sign
or "Do you wanna clean my kitchen?"
sign,
maybe.
All the signs will rattle against the fence
in the wind and get hit by falling acorns
and nobody will notice
the signs as they walk down the alley
with thier heads down
So its pointless,
like all my requests
through the signs
that no one will see
and that will never
exist.
Tuesday, October 2, 2007
The Luty's (A Denton Tall Tale)
The Luty's are a family that lived in Denton, and my parents forbade me to hang out with Luty's two crazy kids, George and Soliel. Soliel means sun, my friends.
George was a rambunctious son of a gun who was always in trouble.
The most memorable thing about him was that he stuck a firecracker up a kitty cat's butt and lit that shit. Oh, what a horrible site. That cat ran in circles with the firecracker sizzling and then it exploded. He then jumped up a tree and was up there until 2003. He built a nest and copulated with birds.
That made me want to join PETA but I havent got around to it yet.
Brain Bart's Mom forbade him to hang out over there as well. Brain Bart told me that he was afraid that George would put Marijuana in his tea. I ask you Brian, when did you go over there at the age of 12 to enjoy a nice cup of tea with good ole George Luty?
George also used to say that his penis, when it was hard, went up way past his belly button. I never saw this, so I dont know if this is true.
Soliel was the older sister and slightly attractive for Denton's standards. My stepmom used to call her so-lut. Soliel didn't mind if us youngsters would take a peek at her while she showered. She seemed to take three to four showers a day while we there so I'm sure she didn't mind.
When I was twelve a couple of us were hanging out there and they all decided to go somewhere on thier bikes. My bike was broken and I was left behind with so-lut. I started to walk home but Soliel said, "Wait, do you wanna see something?"
She then promptly lifted up her shirt and I saw my first titties.
MY eyes popped outta my head.
The only time I had ever glimpsed the sight of titties was when I would try to watch the scrambled channel of Showtime. If you watched long enough through the multi colored waves of scrambled lines you could catch some boobies bouncing around, if only for a second and if you had patience.
"Do you want to touch them?"
"Yes."
I walked over to them sixteen year old titties and touched them and got a hardon.
"Soliel, I gotta go, gotta do my chores."
I didnt know if she maybe wanted to have sex...and there was no way I was going to partake in that. I had no clue, of course, at the age of twelve, what to do. Pee comes outta there. Does Soliel want to be my girlfriend?
The other Soliel incident was when some older guys and I were over there one day. They kept on talking about quifes (pussy farts) and that Soliel could do it on command. "What the fuck is a quife," I thought. Let alone, "what the hell is a pussy and what do I need it for?"
George wasn't there and Soliel casually lied down on the couch and let 'em rip. We all laughed, I, out of nervousness. "Where is that sound coming from...it's not out of her butt, right?"
Then George walked in after missing cannon shot quifes and barrells of laughter from bored teenagers.
"All, shit, man. Soliel, what the fuck? Get out of here guys, go."
"Fuck you, George, we are having fun," she said.
"I'm calling mom."
And sure enough he called his mother.
"Mom, Soliel is doing that thing with her pussy again."
"Sorry, but its fucking gross and there are like six dudes over here...ok."
He hangs up.
"Soliel, mom says you can use the car tonite and she will buy you a six pack of beer if you stop and everyone leaves."
"Ok, boys time to go," she says.
I don't know where everyone else went, but I went home to play fucking Tecmo Bowl. Bo Jackson couldn't be stopped that day. After we won the SuperBowl, Bo Jackson and Soliel went to Disney World and had babies.
But I heard that Soliel complains about Bo's penis because it doesn't go way past his belly button when its hard.
George was a rambunctious son of a gun who was always in trouble.
The most memorable thing about him was that he stuck a firecracker up a kitty cat's butt and lit that shit. Oh, what a horrible site. That cat ran in circles with the firecracker sizzling and then it exploded. He then jumped up a tree and was up there until 2003. He built a nest and copulated with birds.
That made me want to join PETA but I havent got around to it yet.
Brain Bart's Mom forbade him to hang out over there as well. Brain Bart told me that he was afraid that George would put Marijuana in his tea. I ask you Brian, when did you go over there at the age of 12 to enjoy a nice cup of tea with good ole George Luty?
George also used to say that his penis, when it was hard, went up way past his belly button. I never saw this, so I dont know if this is true.
Soliel was the older sister and slightly attractive for Denton's standards. My stepmom used to call her so-lut. Soliel didn't mind if us youngsters would take a peek at her while she showered. She seemed to take three to four showers a day while we there so I'm sure she didn't mind.
When I was twelve a couple of us were hanging out there and they all decided to go somewhere on thier bikes. My bike was broken and I was left behind with so-lut. I started to walk home but Soliel said, "Wait, do you wanna see something?"
She then promptly lifted up her shirt and I saw my first titties.
MY eyes popped outta my head.
The only time I had ever glimpsed the sight of titties was when I would try to watch the scrambled channel of Showtime. If you watched long enough through the multi colored waves of scrambled lines you could catch some boobies bouncing around, if only for a second and if you had patience.
"Do you want to touch them?"
"Yes."
I walked over to them sixteen year old titties and touched them and got a hardon.
"Soliel, I gotta go, gotta do my chores."
I didnt know if she maybe wanted to have sex...and there was no way I was going to partake in that. I had no clue, of course, at the age of twelve, what to do. Pee comes outta there. Does Soliel want to be my girlfriend?
The other Soliel incident was when some older guys and I were over there one day. They kept on talking about quifes (pussy farts) and that Soliel could do it on command. "What the fuck is a quife," I thought. Let alone, "what the hell is a pussy and what do I need it for?"
George wasn't there and Soliel casually lied down on the couch and let 'em rip. We all laughed, I, out of nervousness. "Where is that sound coming from...it's not out of her butt, right?"
Then George walked in after missing cannon shot quifes and barrells of laughter from bored teenagers.
"All, shit, man. Soliel, what the fuck? Get out of here guys, go."
"Fuck you, George, we are having fun," she said.
"I'm calling mom."
And sure enough he called his mother.
"Mom, Soliel is doing that thing with her pussy again."
"Sorry, but its fucking gross and there are like six dudes over here...ok."
He hangs up.
"Soliel, mom says you can use the car tonite and she will buy you a six pack of beer if you stop and everyone leaves."
"Ok, boys time to go," she says.
I don't know where everyone else went, but I went home to play fucking Tecmo Bowl. Bo Jackson couldn't be stopped that day. After we won the SuperBowl, Bo Jackson and Soliel went to Disney World and had babies.
But I heard that Soliel complains about Bo's penis because it doesn't go way past his belly button when its hard.
Monday, October 1, 2007
A Baltimore night
just enjoying my beer
and then I hear
gun claps
in the air.
then I say,
"ouch"
to myself
then the sirens come
and they hurt my ears.
Then the choppers come
and they hurt my ears.
let's have another beer.
Is this town the
reason why I drink so hard?
Baltimore.
Lady day doesnt
sing sing
a violence song
in short gunshot
rythym bursts
all day
and all night
long.
and then I hear
gun claps
in the air.
then I say,
"ouch"
to myself
then the sirens come
and they hurt my ears.
Then the choppers come
and they hurt my ears.
let's have another beer.
Is this town the
reason why I drink so hard?
Baltimore.
Lady day doesnt
sing sing
a violence song
in short gunshot
rythym bursts
all day
and all night
long.
Did you ever fill your supersoakers with pee pee?
There are many reasons why I piss outside:
1) I am lazy, and i enjoy drinking and writing outside. Sometimes, I dont even leave my chair. I just unbotten my pants and just try to arch it from the porch into the sweet green grass.
2) the rats dont come into my yard anymore because i have marked my territory. Nor do unfamiliar cats or dogs.
3) my stairs that lead upstairs are really noisey and I dont want to wake my roomates...and there is no bathroom downstairs (except my back yard.)
4) I usually have the computer outside, late at nite, drinking, and I am afraid that If i go inside to pee pee that the computer wont be here when I return. not that my computer will walk away, but there is this notorious thief around who just got outta jail and I'm sure he stole my brandnew, never been used before, propane grill that took me two hours to put together. So I cant risk leaving the computer alone.
5) I drink too much beer and if my roomies hear me going up and down the steps late at night to piss every five minutes, they will either send me to rehab or tell me to get my prostate checked out. I dont want to bother them with any of that nonsense.
6) my wing wang doesnt get much fresh air and that is unfair to my little buddy.
There must be more reasons why I like pissing in the great outdoors, but I cant think of them now.
If anyone has any reasons why they like pissing in nature let me know. i would be glad to hear you suggestions.
Thanks,
a lot.
PS: friends, guess what I gotta do right now?
pps: i am done know and while I was pissing I rememberd a funny pissing story that only my Denton bunkies will remember. We were all going to Russ's house and we all bought a shit load of beer. Logan Haddock was carrying some in a brown paper bag and a few fell through the bag and smashed on the sidewalk (yes, we do have sidewalks in Denton.)
"Logan, what the fuck, c'mom, man."
"My bad, friend."
I asked Matt Porter, "Where is Bobby (Means)?"
He had disappeared.
Matt replied, "Somewhere pissin'."
We had no idea where he went and we didnt see him the rest of the nite. Musta been one helluva piss.
Bobby was a notorious pisser and a notorious drinker.
I wish him well, whatever he is up to these days.
god bless ya, Bobby.
1) I am lazy, and i enjoy drinking and writing outside. Sometimes, I dont even leave my chair. I just unbotten my pants and just try to arch it from the porch into the sweet green grass.
2) the rats dont come into my yard anymore because i have marked my territory. Nor do unfamiliar cats or dogs.
3) my stairs that lead upstairs are really noisey and I dont want to wake my roomates...and there is no bathroom downstairs (except my back yard.)
4) I usually have the computer outside, late at nite, drinking, and I am afraid that If i go inside to pee pee that the computer wont be here when I return. not that my computer will walk away, but there is this notorious thief around who just got outta jail and I'm sure he stole my brandnew, never been used before, propane grill that took me two hours to put together. So I cant risk leaving the computer alone.
5) I drink too much beer and if my roomies hear me going up and down the steps late at night to piss every five minutes, they will either send me to rehab or tell me to get my prostate checked out. I dont want to bother them with any of that nonsense.
6) my wing wang doesnt get much fresh air and that is unfair to my little buddy.
There must be more reasons why I like pissing in the great outdoors, but I cant think of them now.
If anyone has any reasons why they like pissing in nature let me know. i would be glad to hear you suggestions.
Thanks,
a lot.
PS: friends, guess what I gotta do right now?
pps: i am done know and while I was pissing I rememberd a funny pissing story that only my Denton bunkies will remember. We were all going to Russ's house and we all bought a shit load of beer. Logan Haddock was carrying some in a brown paper bag and a few fell through the bag and smashed on the sidewalk (yes, we do have sidewalks in Denton.)
"Logan, what the fuck, c'mom, man."
"My bad, friend."
I asked Matt Porter, "Where is Bobby (Means)?"
He had disappeared.
Matt replied, "Somewhere pissin'."
We had no idea where he went and we didnt see him the rest of the nite. Musta been one helluva piss.
Bobby was a notorious pisser and a notorious drinker.
I wish him well, whatever he is up to these days.
god bless ya, Bobby.
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